Pinterest, Etsy, and David’s Bridal…Oh my!

…and I suddenly was on the verge of my first #bridebreakdown.

Advertisements

Hi. You may know me as this bitch who lost her shit when she tried to plan the perfect pinterest inspired wedding…and forget about writing until after the blessed event. Sorry, charlie..it had to happen.

But, I’m back, and I have way too much to say about everything and anything that went on for the past couple of weeks (erm, months…sorry about it)

Anyway, let’s just call Pinterest a land of perfect dreams in an imperfect world, or where dreams of your wonderful, fantasy life go to die. Let’s start from the beginning:

I got engaged, and immediately started planning: Visions of mint and purple bridesmaid dresses flew around my head, while I decided on mason jars and an outside wedding with a sky of twinkling mason jar lights. I would have a princess ballgown, and my beloved would wear a tuxedo.

After many nights of planning, and planning some more…I realized that my fall inspired wedding would only be complimented by lace rust colored dresses and orange and purple flowers. Hours of searching, and I came up with nothing but frustration. Pictures of models in their wedding pictures, posed to perfection gave me nightmares…and I suddenly was on the verge of my first #bridebreakdown.

*cue dramatic music*

Soon, I was spinning out of control, worried about what everyone would think, and how everyone would judge my color scheme, my dress, my hair, and my crafty way of proposing to my bridesmaids. (Hint, I forgot to propose to half of them, and still have their “will you be my bridesmaid?” cards upstairs in one of my many packed up boxes. Oops.)

I started planning my Etsy purchases, deciding on tie clips and necklaces for the bridal party. Shot glasses, and headbands, and cigar boxes for everyone! The one thing that everyone seems to forget is that everything costs money– that sure, you gain back later, but seriously? $2,000 on invites, stamps, shoes, and my FIRST wedding dress was necessary? To me, yes…and I would do it the same if I could hop in a time machine, because the end is my favorite part.

The end? Yea, the end was in sight when I looked at the 10 cartons of mason jars that I decided to HAND CRAFT with lace and burlap ribbon…and think, “jeez, these suck…I’m not using them” on the 18th of September…a day before my wedding…and you know what? It didn’t matter, and no one cared, and no one missed them…and I was happy.

5 Of The Worst Bridesmaids Ever

Bridesmaids can make or break your wedding.

Bridesmaids can make or break your wedding. They are supposed to be your best girlfriends and your closest family members. Bridesmaids are supposed to make your life a little bit easier…but sometimes there can be a sour fruit in your basket.

The Drunk One
Ok, this is a dig at myself circa 2009, but c’est la vie, right? Whatever. Girlfriend definitely doesn’t know her limit, and she is totally fine with it. You will usually find her with a beer in her hand while everyone is having a mimosa on the morning of the wedding. We aren’t exactly sure how many she had before she got to the bride’s house, but we know that she probably pre-gamed. Your drunk bridesmaid will most likely ugly-loud cry at your ceremony, and make a scene at the cocktail hour about the lack of mixed drink options. Keep her around, she’s a lost soul.

The Slut
I don’t have any desire to have this lady in my bridal party…for good reason. Not only are your guy’s groomsmen all in committed relationships, but the guests that she’s hitting on all have dates that are currently present at your blessed event. Jesus. Does it ever end? Girlfriend couldn’t decide which squeeze would be the lucky guy, so she actually had the nerve to ask for a plus 2 for her invite. It’s a train wreck and a half, and is usually super entertaining…however, today is not the day for an airing of Desperate and Slutty.

The Overly Opinionated
OH GOD. Let’s just say, shut it. This one is the worst of the worst. Yes, opinions are fantastic…and are even better when you are already leaning against an idea. It’s not a great idea to have this one overly involved in your wedding plans, or you’ll end up planning her dream wedding instead of yours. Piece of advice? Keep this one at arm’s length. Word of advice to this bridesmaid? Get it together. This is your friend’s day…not yours. You two have different styles, and she may want to have a Newsie’s themed wedding. Back her up and ask what color suspenders you should wear.

The Ghost
You won’t see this bitch until she shows up without her jewelry on the wedding day. She probably made an excuse to not come to the rehearsal dinner, but instagrammed her mojito at that classless bar down the block. She will never respond back to your texts, and certainly will not be present at your bachelorette party. Whatever. How do you deal? Make sure to buy an EMF meter and hover it over your wedding pictures. She’ll show up again just in time for you to get pregnant, she loves a good baby shower.

The One Who Ain’t On Board
This one is single, and certainly ready to mingle. The one who ain’t on board should not be confused with the slut, due to one difference: she hates all men, and believes that she will never get a boyfriend. She loathes the fact that you have decided to enter into holy matrimony, and she literally cannot believe that you…the girl who swore off men in college…would ever “break” and get hitched. Let her know your RSVP to her wedding in 2020 to an elderly doctor is an obvious yes.

Love you, mean it

xoxo Kate

**Disclaimer: None of the aforementioned bridesmaid types represent anyone in my bridal party, for serious. Research has been done through many forums.