satire

Bridesmaids can make or break your wedding. They are supposed to be your best girlfriends and your closest family members. Bridesmaids are supposed to make your life a little bit easier…but sometimes there can be a sour fruit in your basket.

The Drunk One
Ok, this is a dig at myself circa 2009, but c’est la vie, right? Whatever. Girlfriend definitely doesn’t know her limit, and she is totally fine with it. You will usually find her with a beer in her hand while everyone is having a mimosa on the morning of the wedding. We aren’t exactly sure how many she had before she got to the bride’s house, but we know that she probably pre-gamed. Your drunk bridesmaid will most likely ugly-loud cry at your ceremony, and make a scene at the cocktail hour about the lack of mixed drink options. Keep her around, she’s a lost soul.

The Slut
I don’t have any desire to have this lady in my bridal party…for good reason. Not only are your guy’s groomsmen all in committed relationships, but the guests that she’s hitting on all have dates that are currently present at your blessed event. Jesus. Does it ever end? Girlfriend couldn’t decide which squeeze would be the lucky guy, so she actually had the nerve to ask for a plus 2 for her invite. It’s a train wreck and a half, and is usually super entertaining…however, today is not the day for an airing of Desperate and Slutty.

The Overly Opinionated
OH GOD. Let’s just say, shut it. This one is the worst of the worst. Yes, opinions are fantastic…and are even better when you are already leaning against an idea. It’s not a great idea to have this one overly involved in your wedding plans, or you’ll end up planning her dream wedding instead of yours. Piece of advice? Keep this one at arm’s length. Word of advice to this bridesmaid? Get it together. This is your friend’s day…not yours. You two have different styles, and she may want to have a Newsie’s themed wedding. Back her up and ask what color suspenders you should wear.

The Ghost
You won’t see this bitch until she shows up without her jewelry on the wedding day. She probably made an excuse to not come to the rehearsal dinner, but instagrammed her mojito at that classless bar down the block. She will never respond back to your texts, and certainly will not be present at your bachelorette party. Whatever. How do you deal? Make sure to buy an EMF meter and hover it over your wedding pictures. She’ll show up again just in time for you to get pregnant, she loves a good baby shower.

The One Who Ain’t On Board
This one is single, and certainly ready to mingle. The one who ain’t on board should not be confused with the slut, due to one difference: she hates all men, and believes that she will never get a boyfriend. She loathes the fact that you have decided to enter into holy matrimony, and she literally cannot believe that you…the girl who swore off men in college…would ever “break” and get hitched. Let her know your RSVP to her wedding in 2020 to an elderly doctor is an obvious yes.

Love you, mean it

xoxo Kate

**Disclaimer: None of the aforementioned bridesmaid types represent anyone in my bridal party, for serious. Research has been done through many forums.

The drive-thru is sort of like the melting pot of a coffee shop. People come and go, sort of like the streets of a big city, except everyone has the same purpose: to become caffeinated. On top of that, it also is a place where the people who “ain’t got time for that” go to meet and become friends.

The Mother of All Basics

Although I consider myself a severe basic bitch, nothing compares to this girl. All of you can already imagine what she’s wearing. It’s cold, so she’s wearing leggings and uggs to keep her body warm. Oh, she is so good. On top of that, she’s a gold card member. She will actually hold up the entire drive thru line in order for her to get her lucky 12th star. This one is a classic. Chances are, she’s going to her internship at Vogue or Cosmo. She loves her vintage whale tees from Vineyard Vines, her Tory Burch riding boots, and her lovely Kate Spade bag with a matching wallet. Can you guess what she’s ordering? PSL all day long. Except in the spring and summer when it’s a Caramel Macchiato and she has no choice. If she is in denial about how basic she actually is, she’s probably having a Frappuccino of some sort without the whip! (Less calories that way)

The Senior in High School: The Trainee

You already know where I’m going with this one. Basically, she’s a MOAB in training. She just got her license two weeks ago, she’s got all her bitties in the car, and she’s ready for her double chocolatey chip frappe frappuccino… “That’s not the one with coffee, right?” This car also tends to pull over after leaving the drive thru line so she can Instagram a selfie with her drink, check in on Facebook, and figure out some sort of way to get the 17-year-old barista’s attention.

The “I’m in a Rush” Car

Either the driver is late for work or is just an asshole; this one is a super fun car to be in front of. After seeing the huffing and puffing followed by a “throw my hands up in the air” motion, the best thing to do is to have a little cynical fun. My suggestion is to take your sweet time finding your money. Asking the employees to throw out your Starbucks cup from the day before, and maybe drop something in between the window and your car. Not only will you receive the nastiest looks through your rearview mirror, but you may actually get a honk when you are next to them at a red light. Usually the honk happens once the light turns green. You know that tough guy isn’t coming out for a fight.

The Damn Mess

Oh, girl. I’ve been there. I have so been there. This is the car that is making the barista wait with the drive thru window open while its 15 degrees outside. I’m not entirely sure who I feel worse for: the barista who is so ridiculously cold, or the girl who can’t find her debit card, who doesn’t have a free cup holder, and drops her order all over herself and down the side of her car. I think it’s a tie.

The “I’m Getting These For Friends” Car

We’ve all been there; you’re waiting in line patiently and roll down your window for some fresh air. The sounds of the parking lot and the girl in front of you ordering is all you can hear. “OK, SO I’m getting like 8 drinks. I need TWO of those things, like the holder things? Ok, cool. SO first one…omg shut up! I’m ordering! Uh, hello?! Ok, FIRST ONE: A VENTI ICED COFFEE, NO SUGAR, NO MILK, JUST WHIPPED CREAM. OK, SECOND ONE: A TALL HOT CARAMEL LATTE WITH NO MILK.” So, that goes on for about 15 minutes, with interruptions from her friend who literally can’t even right now. There should be an express line, for people who don’t ask for stupid drinks at Starbucks.

In conclusion, if you fall into one of these categories, stay home. Or better yet, figure your life out before you get to the drive thru. The rest of the world will thank you.

xoxo -Kate

Tag: satire

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