Tag: satire

5 Of The Worst Bridesmaids Ever

Bridesmaids can make or break your wedding.

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Bridesmaids can make or break your wedding. They are supposed to be your best girlfriends and your closest family members. Bridesmaids are supposed to make your life a little bit easier…but sometimes there can be a sour fruit in your basket.

The Drunk One
Ok, this is a dig at myself circa 2009, but c’est la vie, right? Whatever. Girlfriend definitely doesn’t know her limit, and she is totally fine with it. You will usually find her with a beer in her hand while everyone is having a mimosa on the morning of the wedding. We aren’t exactly sure how many she had before she got to the bride’s house, but we know that she probably pre-gamed. Your drunk bridesmaid will most likely ugly-loud cry at your ceremony, and make a scene at the cocktail hour about the lack of mixed drink options. Keep her around, she’s a lost soul.

The Slut
I don’t have any desire to have this lady in my bridal party…for good reason. Not only are your guy’s groomsmen all in committed relationships, but the guests that she’s hitting on all have dates that are currently present at your blessed event. Jesus. Does it ever end? Girlfriend couldn’t decide which squeeze would be the lucky guy, so she actually had the nerve to ask for a plus 2 for her invite. It’s a train wreck and a half, and is usually super entertaining…however, today is not the day for an airing of Desperate and Slutty.

The Overly Opinionated
OH GOD. Let’s just say, shut it. This one is the worst of the worst. Yes, opinions are fantastic…and are even better when you are already leaning against an idea. It’s not a great idea to have this one overly involved in your wedding plans, or you’ll end up planning her dream wedding instead of yours. Piece of advice? Keep this one at arm’s length. Word of advice to this bridesmaid? Get it together. This is your friend’s day…not yours. You two have different styles, and she may want to have a Newsie’s themed wedding. Back her up and ask what color suspenders you should wear.

The Ghost
You won’t see this bitch until she shows up without her jewelry on the wedding day. She probably made an excuse to not come to the rehearsal dinner, but instagrammed her mojito at that classless bar down the block. She will never respond back to your texts, and certainly will not be present at your bachelorette party. Whatever. How do you deal? Make sure to buy an EMF meter and hover it over your wedding pictures. She’ll show up again just in time for you to get pregnant, she loves a good baby shower.

The One Who Ain’t On Board
This one is single, and certainly ready to mingle. The one who ain’t on board should not be confused with the slut, due to one difference: she hates all men, and believes that she will never get a boyfriend. She loathes the fact that you have decided to enter into holy matrimony, and she literally cannot believe that you…the girl who swore off men in college…would ever “break” and get hitched. Let her know your RSVP to her wedding in 2020 to an elderly doctor is an obvious yes.

Love you, mean it

xoxo Kate

**Disclaimer: None of the aforementioned bridesmaid types represent anyone in my bridal party, for serious. Research has been done through many forums.

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The Five Types Of Friends You Don’t Want At Your Wedding

There are a couple that should be left out…for your sanity.

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Weddings are always a big talking point in a young woman’s life. Not always, but the girls and guys that decide that marriage is for them. What kind of dress, how many people, and who is invited are always big dinner conversations while preparing for the wedding. So, who do you invite? How about the people that make you happy, and the ones that love you and your fiancé. There are a couple that should be left out…for your sanity.

The Negative Nancy

Girl, you know this one is your catty BFF who you kind of love, but obviously love to hate. This friendship should have died when double popped collars went out of style, but you held on like some people hang on to the acid wash jean trend. She may or may not have a significant other, but she is worse when she has her own relationship. Especially if she hasn’t gotten the ring yet. Nancy just can’t seem to let go of the fact that you are getting married and never going to hang out with her again. She’ll whine and complain about your fiancé taking all of your time. Although she may have her own love she still makes you feel like crap when it comes to your wedding. She’ll make passive aggressive comments and try to work herself into the wedding by saying things like, “I’m going to get so drunk at your wedding!” My advice about this one? Tell her your busy…forever.

The Non-Believer

Much like the Negative Nancy, the non-believer is just as terrible. I’m talking about a girl or guy who has lost their mind completely. They think that their way of life, the single life, is the only way and you are making a huge mistake. Excuse me, but I don’t judge when you sleep with three men in a weekend…in fact I applaud you. This friend says things like, “I don’t believe in the institution of marriage, and you’re dumb to get married.” To this, I say…do you, but you can’t sit with us.

Your Overprotective Guy/Girl Friend

Maybe you had a fling, you dreamed of one…either way, stay away from that train wreck. Why? Do I have to even…okay? If this person is invited, they’re going to get super drunk and try to punch your new husband/wife. Even if they are well-behaved, it will bring up all sorts issues with your judgemental friends as well as your husband or wife. In the nicest way possible, you’re an idiot if you invite them. Purely for the fact that past feelings aren’t appropriate on your wedding day.

The Girl Who Used To Talk Sh*t On You

You know the one, the girl in your sorority who thought that you were faking when you had to drop out of school due to being sick. She also told everybody that you had an STD and that you cheated on your boyfriend. No, she didn’t want him for herself, she just didn’t like you then. Now, it’s a different story. Apparently she’s changed. You saw her at your friend’s sister’s birthday party at a bar and she totally hugged you. You talked for like, 5 seconds and she apologized for sleeping with #3…the overprotective guy friend. Send that girl to charm school, because she isn’t any sort of lady.

You’re Ex-BFF/Kind Of Reacquainted

The girl that you got into a fight with about the stupidest crap and text when you look at old pictures of you two together. Figure your life out, because honestly…that girl only texted you because she heard you were engaged. Get real. Sit down, and realize the reasons why you cut her off in the first place. She doesn’t know you anymore, and she couldn’t tell your fiancé from some guy in the street. Do yourself a favor and reconnect completely (if you dare) after the blessed event.

What Your Coffee Order says about You

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Coffee is probably the most important thing in most modern day people’s lives. From teens to the elderly, coffee is loved through all ages. Lately, there has been a surge of insane types of coffee invented that most coffee enthusiasts would vote as, “not even sort of coffee.”

 

Regular, Black

Girl, (or guy) you know what’s up. You crave the caffeine goodness and you don’t want any of that petty crap to get in your way. Milk? Blegh. Sugar? As if. You want the bitter and the smooth taste all up in you. You haven’t met a coffee too strong. Your coffee order tells others, “I don’t need substitutions. I’ve got the real deal.” Most of these coffee drinkers are a little rough around the edges and like to keep it real with their friends. No shame in that game.

Regular with Creamer and Sugar

Bitch, you don’t even want 2 percent!? Let’s get this together. Yes, they make those creamers in the same containers that crack is cooked in, therefore it’s easy to get hooked…but come on. As for the sugar, do you want to drink coffee? Or just the thin mint goodness? Most of these coffee drinkers can be found sitting outside their college union with a Marlboro Light hanging out of their mouth and their iPhone 6 playing Selena Gomez and Zedd.

Iced Coffee, any way

Whether it’s wind or rain, you know this coffee aficionado is definitely getting their fix in a big cold way. Any way you pour it, this drinker is not about to make jokes about his or her coffee. Most iced coffee drinkers can be seen wandering around the mall or taking a run to their local Starbucks to get their fix. Most iced coffee drinkers utilize their days off to just wear work out clothes while not going to the gym and wasting time in Target instead. Oops.

Latte

What are you anyway? Do you want coffee or a cup of hot milk? Because, TBH that’s what you’re getting…and you’re even paying well over $3.00 for it. Suddenly, basics all around the globe are taking pictures of their latte art. Hearts, stars, and horseshoes made out of milk foam have flooded my instagram and I want it to stop. Most people who order a latte at their coffee shop are just in it to sound snooty to the rest of the line. “Oh, she’s a latte drinker. She’s got to be sophisticated.” Latte drinkers can be found in the line at Chipotle while discussing how to actually pronounce Chi-polt-ley…or is it Chi-pol-tee?

Macchiato, Machiato?

Literally, is this just crack with a fancy Italian name. Do we even know if it is Italian? I’m unsure about the situation. Anyway, most Macchiato drinkers don’t even know what they are drinking half the time. Why? Because none of them bother to look up what the ingredients are. You can find these people in line to see the midnight showing of 50 Shades of Grey and taking selfies with their custom-made t-shirts fully supporting Christian Grey’s way of life. Do you girl, do you.

FYI: Macchiato simply means “marked” or “stained” in Italian. In the case of caffè macchiato, this means literally “espresso marked with milk.” – Thanks Starbucks.

In my humble opinion…whatever humble means anyway…coffee is made to make you a caffeinated you.  Don’t taint it with your creamers and syrups. Drink it like nature intended to be…hot, black, and bitter. Yum.

 

 

The 5 People You Meet In A Starbucks Drive-Thru

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The drive-thru is sort of like the melting pot of a coffee shop. People come and go, sort of like the streets of a big city, except everyone has the same purpose: to become caffeinated. On top of that, it also is a place where the people who “ain’t got time for that” go to meet and become friends.

The Mother of All Basics

Although I consider myself a severe basic bitch, nothing compares to this girl. All of you can already imagine what she’s wearing. It’s cold, so she’s wearing leggings and uggs to keep her body warm. Oh, she is so good. On top of that, she’s a gold card member. She will actually hold up the entire drive thru line in order for her to get her lucky 12th star. This one is a classic. Chances are, she’s going to her internship at Vogue or Cosmo. She loves her vintage whale tees from Vineyard Vines, her Tory Burch riding boots, and her lovely Kate Spade bag with a matching wallet. Can you guess what she’s ordering? PSL all day long. Except in the spring and summer when it’s a Caramel Macchiato and she has no choice. If she is in denial about how basic she actually is, she’s probably having a Frappuccino of some sort without the whip! (Less calories that way)

The Senior in High School: The Trainee

You already know where I’m going with this one. Basically, she’s a MOAB in training. She just got her license two weeks ago, she’s got all her bitties in the car, and she’s ready for her double chocolatey chip frappe frappuccino… “That’s not the one with coffee, right?” This car also tends to pull over after leaving the drive thru line so she can Instagram a selfie with her drink, check in on Facebook, and figure out some sort of way to get the 17-year-old barista’s attention.

The “I’m in a Rush” Car

Either the driver is late for work or is just an asshole; this one is a super fun car to be in front of. After seeing the huffing and puffing followed by a “throw my hands up in the air” motion, the best thing to do is to have a little cynical fun. My suggestion is to take your sweet time finding your money. Asking the employees to throw out your Starbucks cup from the day before, and maybe drop something in between the window and your car. Not only will you receive the nastiest looks through your rearview mirror, but you may actually get a honk when you are next to them at a red light. Usually the honk happens once the light turns green. You know that tough guy isn’t coming out for a fight.

The Damn Mess

Oh, girl. I’ve been there. I have so been there. This is the car that is making the barista wait with the drive thru window open while its 15 degrees outside. I’m not entirely sure who I feel worse for: the barista who is so ridiculously cold, or the girl who can’t find her debit card, who doesn’t have a free cup holder, and drops her order all over herself and down the side of her car. I think it’s a tie.

The “I’m Getting These For Friends” Car

We’ve all been there; you’re waiting in line patiently and roll down your window for some fresh air. The sounds of the parking lot and the girl in front of you ordering is all you can hear. “OK, SO I’m getting like 8 drinks. I need TWO of those things, like the holder things? Ok, cool. SO first one…omg shut up! I’m ordering! Uh, hello?! Ok, FIRST ONE: A VENTI ICED COFFEE, NO SUGAR, NO MILK, JUST WHIPPED CREAM. OK, SECOND ONE: A TALL HOT CARAMEL LATTE WITH NO MILK.” So, that goes on for about 15 minutes, with interruptions from her friend who literally can’t even right now. There should be an express line, for people who don’t ask for stupid drinks at Starbucks.

In conclusion, if you fall into one of these categories, stay home. Or better yet, figure your life out before you get to the drive thru. The rest of the world will thank you.

xoxo -Kate

A PSA To All “Basic” Shaming Citizens

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Yes you.. we’re all talking about you. The ones who are too “complex” to like pumpkin spice lattes or pictures of leaves. Ugh, us basics hate you…but for the right reasons. See, for us, we feel like we get hated on…for liking what we like. We don’t envy you at all. Why? Because it’s hard as hell to figure out something else to like that isn’t what everyone has dubbed, “basic.”

The other day, I was called basic at least 4 different times by four different people. Stop shaming me for liking what makes me happy!

In my 24 years on this earth, I have met my fair share of a certain type of woman. A “don’t give into girly, ridiculous, common people things!” type of woman. This frustrates me. Frustrates me to the point of wanted to make complex shaming a thing. Why put the extra effort into finding things to like that makes it hard for me to buy you a gift? For my basic friends? Starbies gift cards for all! As for my complex friends, I’ll have to go to a music store and find sheet music for an oboe, because that’s what you decided to take up as an instrument to be “different.”

I have found that the complex girls are the ones that I have to watch out for. The basic ones? I know what they’re about. The complex girls of the world hate on me for almost being…dare I say it…stupid. Like I’m not smart enough to like uncommon things. And to you I say WELCOME. Because you are all partaking in the biggest part of being basic…and that is…hating. So welcome ladies and gents! We can’t wait to take our first Starbucks trip with you! 🙂

DIY Halloween

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Hey Noodles-

With Halloween at the end of the week, I figured I wanted to let you know that even frugal ladies and gents need a good costume! So, here are 10 DIY alternatives that you could totally rock this upcoming “boo”fest!

  1. A Bridezilla: HA! This one is for me. Wear a white dress, veil, and a reptilian-like tail (or construction paper…but don’t cut corners!) #dying
  2. Instagram Famous: Literally wear your best outfit and make up, and follow this DIY.  Girl knows what shes talking about!
  3. Amanda Bynes: Oh? Too soon? Whatevs. I was Mandy last year, and my BFF was her fabulous twitter account. For this one, wear matching sweats, a fabu rhinestone hat, a platinum blonde wig, and dimple piercings. **
  4. Please, for me, be a college student. Sweats, so college t-shirt, and uggs. For men, sweats/jersey shorts, so college t-shirt, and flip flops.
  5. RBF- Resting Bitch Face. Just mix basic white girl costumes (north face, uggs, leggings) with your regular “I just want a venti iced coffee” face.
  6. Tourist: Why is it when people travel, they feel the need to wear comfy and ugly clothing?! Wear a pair of soffe shorts (lol) a t-shirt from your high school, and a fanny-pack. (Hey, you can hold maybe two cans of beer in there…or a lot of those mini liquor bottles!)
  7. If you like 80’s movies, go as John Cusack in “Say Anything.” Don’t even ask me how to do that. Get a stereo.
  8. Jenna Marbles: Get two stuffed dogs, a ripped body, and get a wonderous purple wig. Put on that black eye makeup, and dance the night away.
  9. A mistake: Dress up like an ex.
  10. Blow up and print out a picture of a sting ray face. Then photobomb pictures.

**Note to #teammandy supporters: Those who do not have dimple piercings may substitute earrings with makeup glue on your cheeks. You’re welcome! 😉

xoxo- Kate

Ps. I know you all liked number 9. #icanteven