The drive-thru is sort of like the melting pot of a coffee shop. People come and go, sort of like the streets of a big city, except everyone has the same purpose: to become caffeinated. On top of that, it also is a place where the people who “ain’t got time for that” go to meet and become friends.
The Mother of All Basics
Although I consider myself a severe basic bitch, nothing compares to this girl. All of you can already imagine what she’s wearing. It’s cold, so she’s wearing leggings and uggs to keep her body warm. Oh, she is so good. On top of that, she’s a gold card member. She will actually hold up the entire drive thru line in order for her to get her lucky 12th star. This one is a classic. Chances are, she’s going to her internship at Vogue or Cosmo. She loves her vintage whale tees from Vineyard Vines, her Tory Burch riding boots, and her lovely Kate Spade bag with a matching wallet. Can you guess what she’s ordering? PSL all day long. Except in the spring and summer when it’s a Caramel Macchiato and she has no choice. If she is in denial about how basic she actually is, she’s probably having a Frappuccino of some sort without the whip! (Less calories that way)
The Senior in High School: The Trainee
You already know where I’m going with this one. Basically, she’s a MOAB in training. She just got her license two weeks ago, she’s got all her bitties in the car, and she’s ready for her double chocolatey chip frappe frappuccino… “That’s not the one with coffee, right?” This car also tends to pull over after leaving the drive thru line so she can Instagram a selfie with her drink, check in on Facebook, and figure out some sort of way to get the 17-year-old barista’s attention.
The “I’m in a Rush” Car
Either the driver is late for work or is just an asshole; this one is a super fun car to be in front of. After seeing the huffing and puffing followed by a “throw my hands up in the air” motion, the best thing to do is to have a little cynical fun. My suggestion is to take your sweet time finding your money. Asking the employees to throw out your Starbucks cup from the day before, and maybe drop something in between the window and your car. Not only will you receive the nastiest looks through your rearview mirror, but you may actually get a honk when you are next to them at a red light. Usually the honk happens once the light turns green. You know that tough guy isn’t coming out for a fight.
The Damn Mess
Oh, girl. I’ve been there. I have so been there. This is the car that is making the barista wait with the drive thru window open while its 15 degrees outside. I’m not entirely sure who I feel worse for: the barista who is so ridiculously cold, or the girl who can’t find her debit card, who doesn’t have a free cup holder, and drops her order all over herself and down the side of her car. I think it’s a tie.
The “I’m Getting These For Friends” Car
We’ve all been there; you’re waiting in line patiently and roll down your window for some fresh air. The sounds of the parking lot and the girl in front of you ordering is all you can hear. “OK, SO I’m getting like 8 drinks. I need TWO of those things, like the holder things? Ok, cool. SO first one…omg shut up! I’m ordering! Uh, hello?! Ok, FIRST ONE: A VENTI ICED COFFEE, NO SUGAR, NO MILK, JUST WHIPPED CREAM. OK, SECOND ONE: A TALL HOT CARAMEL LATTE WITH NO MILK.” So, that goes on for about 15 minutes, with interruptions from her friend who literally can’t even right now. There should be an express line, for people who don’t ask for stupid drinks at Starbucks.
In conclusion, if you fall into one of these categories, stay home. Or better yet, figure your life out before you get to the drive thru. The rest of the world will thank you.