The Five Types Of Friends You Don’t Want At Your Wedding

There are a couple that should be left out…for your sanity.

Weddings are always a big talking point in a young woman’s life. Not always, but the girls and guys that decide that marriage is for them. What kind of dress, how many people, and who is invited are always big dinner conversations while preparing for the wedding. So, who do you invite? How about the people that make you happy, and the ones that love you and your fiancé. There are a couple that should be left out…for your sanity.

The Negative Nancy

Girl, you know this one is your catty BFF who you kind of love, but obviously love to hate. This friendship should have died when double popped collars went out of style, but you held on like some people hang on to the acid wash jean trend. She may or may not have a significant other, but she is worse when she has her own relationship. Especially if she hasn’t gotten the ring yet. Nancy just can’t seem to let go of the fact that you are getting married and never going to hang out with her again. She’ll whine and complain about your fiancé taking all of your time. Although she may have her own love she still makes you feel like crap when it comes to your wedding. She’ll make passive aggressive comments and try to work herself into the wedding by saying things like, “I’m going to get so drunk at your wedding!” My advice about this one? Tell her your busy…forever.

The Non-Believer

Much like the Negative Nancy, the non-believer is just as terrible. I’m talking about a girl or guy who has lost their mind completely. They think that their way of life, the single life, is the only way and you are making a huge mistake. Excuse me, but I don’t judge when you sleep with three men in a weekend…in fact I applaud you. This friend says things like, “I don’t believe in the institution of marriage, and you’re dumb to get married.” To this, I say…do you, but you can’t sit with us.

Your Overprotective Guy/Girl Friend

Maybe you had a fling, you dreamed of one…either way, stay away from that train wreck. Why? Do I have to even…okay? If this person is invited, they’re going to get super drunk and try to punch your new husband/wife. Even if they are well-behaved, it will bring up all sorts issues with your judgemental friends as well as your husband or wife. In the nicest way possible, you’re an idiot if you invite them. Purely for the fact that past feelings aren’t appropriate on your wedding day.

The Girl Who Used To Talk Sh*t On You

You know the one, the girl in your sorority who thought that you were faking when you had to drop out of school due to being sick. She also told everybody that you had an STD and that you cheated on your boyfriend. No, she didn’t want him for herself, she just didn’t like you then. Now, it’s a different story. Apparently she’s changed. You saw her at your friend’s sister’s birthday party at a bar and she totally hugged you. You talked for like, 5 seconds and she apologized for sleeping with #3…the overprotective guy friend. Send that girl to charm school, because she isn’t any sort of lady.

You’re Ex-BFF/Kind Of Reacquainted

The girl that you got into a fight with about the stupidest crap and text when you look at old pictures of you two together. Figure your life out, because honestly…that girl only texted you because she heard you were engaged. Get real. Sit down, and realize the reasons why you cut her off in the first place. She doesn’t know you anymore, and she couldn’t tell your fiancé from some guy in the street. Do yourself a favor and reconnect completely (if you dare) after the blessed event.

My Break-Up Letter to Designer Purchases

We have to see other people, and by other people…I mean I have to see Target, and you have to see my closet.

Dear (kate spade, Longchamp, Tory Burch, etc),

I am writing to you today to let you know about how much money I have spent on you in our long-term relationship of 8 years. In this relationship, I seem to be giving you cold-hard earned cash…and you give me a temporary happiness that is just as quick and fleeting as a Venti Iced Coffee from Starbucks.

We have to see other people, and by other people…I mean I have to see Target, and you have to see my closet. Sigh. We both knew that this was going to come sooner rather than later, and it’s not meant to hurt your feelings…but in all honesty, this isn’t a healthy relationship. You take my money, tempt me with high expectations and pretty colors, and then hit me to the floor with your prices. In essence, you use me for my money.

This is why, for at least 6 months, we have to take a break from each other. Don’t make it awkward and e-mail me…I won’t respond.

All my love and friendship,

Kate

Kate Spade Surprise Sale

It breaks my heart to say that I found that I didn’t have the impulse to spend my money on the beautiful items on the website.

Hi Saving Beauties! Let’s just talk about a little thing called a vice. Mine? kate spade. Ugh, my favorite types of handbags, and my ultimate splurge items all come from kate. I’m not sure what they are trying to do to me…sending me e-mails about a “surprise” wedding sale with 65% off of everything wedding. Sigh. But, after looking through all of the sale items (yes I looked!) I am happy to report back to all of you, I didn’t break. Yes, that cake topper is a must…and yes those “Mrs” earrings are to die for…but I don’t need them. It breaks my heart to say that I found that I didn’t have the impulse to spend my money on the beautiful items on the website. Not that I’m not KICKING myself over it…but I am becoming more responsible with my money. I’ll give you an example: As you all know, I have to pay my own phone bill now, and I’ve discovered that by spending a mere $100 on a totes adorable handbag is very tempting, I could also use that money to save up for my guy’s birthday present AND pay my part of the phone bill. My logic that “what’s 100 dollars going to do anyway?” has been thrown out of my Mazda 3 window like no one’s business. I need that $100 for me to LIVE…and you do too. If you have the extra money, be my guest: kate spade. I do strongly advise you to enter (if you dare) and practice self control. Let’s call this approach-avoidance therapy. Go in, look at the items, and DON’T buy anything.   One tip: After you receive the e-mail…because they are tricky and make you enter it in order to see the sale, go to your inbox and UNSUBSCRIBE. We’ve talked about this before. I feel like a broken record 😉   Anyway, tune in for another post later this week. Love you…mean it Kate

What Your Coffee Order says about You

Coffee is probably the most important thing in most modern day people’s lives. From teens to the elderly, coffee is loved through all ages. Lately, there has been a surge of insane types of coffee invented that most coffee enthusiasts would vote as, “not even sort of coffee.”

 

Regular, Black

Girl, (or guy) you know what’s up. You crave the caffeine goodness and you don’t want any of that petty crap to get in your way. Milk? Blegh. Sugar? As if. You want the bitter and the smooth taste all up in you. You haven’t met a coffee too strong. Your coffee order tells others, “I don’t need substitutions. I’ve got the real deal.” Most of these coffee drinkers are a little rough around the edges and like to keep it real with their friends. No shame in that game.

Regular with Creamer and Sugar

Bitch, you don’t even want 2 percent!? Let’s get this together. Yes, they make those creamers in the same containers that crack is cooked in, therefore it’s easy to get hooked…but come on. As for the sugar, do you want to drink coffee? Or just the thin mint goodness? Most of these coffee drinkers can be found sitting outside their college union with a Marlboro Light hanging out of their mouth and their iPhone 6 playing Selena Gomez and Zedd.

Iced Coffee, any way

Whether it’s wind or rain, you know this coffee aficionado is definitely getting their fix in a big cold way. Any way you pour it, this drinker is not about to make jokes about his or her coffee. Most iced coffee drinkers can be seen wandering around the mall or taking a run to their local Starbucks to get their fix. Most iced coffee drinkers utilize their days off to just wear work out clothes while not going to the gym and wasting time in Target instead. Oops.

Latte

What are you anyway? Do you want coffee or a cup of hot milk? Because, TBH that’s what you’re getting…and you’re even paying well over $3.00 for it. Suddenly, basics all around the globe are taking pictures of their latte art. Hearts, stars, and horseshoes made out of milk foam have flooded my instagram and I want it to stop. Most people who order a latte at their coffee shop are just in it to sound snooty to the rest of the line. “Oh, she’s a latte drinker. She’s got to be sophisticated.” Latte drinkers can be found in the line at Chipotle while discussing how to actually pronounce Chi-polt-ley…or is it Chi-pol-tee?

Macchiato, Machiato?

Literally, is this just crack with a fancy Italian name. Do we even know if it is Italian? I’m unsure about the situation. Anyway, most Macchiato drinkers don’t even know what they are drinking half the time. Why? Because none of them bother to look up what the ingredients are. You can find these people in line to see the midnight showing of 50 Shades of Grey and taking selfies with their custom-made t-shirts fully supporting Christian Grey’s way of life. Do you girl, do you.

FYI: Macchiato simply means “marked” or “stained” in Italian. In the case of caffè macchiato, this means literally “espresso marked with milk.” – Thanks Starbucks.

In my humble opinion…whatever humble means anyway…coffee is made to make you a caffeinated you.  Don’t taint it with your creamers and syrups. Drink it like nature intended to be…hot, black, and bitter. Yum.

 

 

10 News Stories Today

Oh Valentine’s Day, a time to literally hate everyone on your Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. No, I’m not single…and no, I’m not bitter. In fact, I have a phenomenal relationship. Today, I don’t choose to share my love with the world. Yes, I choose to share it other days…but not today. Why? Because everyone else. Dare I be edgy and different? It is my middle name…

Today, I worked and then sent the valet guys at my guy’s work in with a rose and chocolates to the kitchen. I hope he gets embarrassed. Isn’t that what today is for?!

Here are ten things that happened today that had nothing to do with your relationship status:

  1. A rare planet with crazy temperatures was discovered by scientists in Berlin.
  2. About 25% of your Facebook friends are calling today “Single’s Awareness Day.”
  3. It started snowing on Long Island again.
  4. Crispy M&M’s are freaking back!
  5. No one liked your Instagram photo of chocolates and flowers. Not passive aggressive…I swear.
  6. 50 Shades of Grey literally blew people’s minds…such a crazy concept. Okay, that one is a dig.
  7. Bethany Hamilton is pregnant. Like, that girl is a champion. And…she sings too? Now I’m confused.
  8. We are all one day closer to Ralph’s being open for the summer.
  9. There was a shooting in Denmark.
  10. About 5% of your Facebook friends got engaged today. It’s just science.

The 5 People You Meet In A Starbucks Drive-Thru

The drive-thru is sort of like the melting pot of a coffee shop. People come and go, sort of like the streets of a big city, except everyone has the same purpose: to become caffeinated. On top of that, it also is a place where the people who “ain’t got time for that” go to meet and become friends.

The Mother of All Basics

Although I consider myself a severe basic bitch, nothing compares to this girl. All of you can already imagine what she’s wearing. It’s cold, so she’s wearing leggings and uggs to keep her body warm. Oh, she is so good. On top of that, she’s a gold card member. She will actually hold up the entire drive thru line in order for her to get her lucky 12th star. This one is a classic. Chances are, she’s going to her internship at Vogue or Cosmo. She loves her vintage whale tees from Vineyard Vines, her Tory Burch riding boots, and her lovely Kate Spade bag with a matching wallet. Can you guess what she’s ordering? PSL all day long. Except in the spring and summer when it’s a Caramel Macchiato and she has no choice. If she is in denial about how basic she actually is, she’s probably having a Frappuccino of some sort without the whip! (Less calories that way)

The Senior in High School: The Trainee

You already know where I’m going with this one. Basically, she’s a MOAB in training. She just got her license two weeks ago, she’s got all her bitties in the car, and she’s ready for her double chocolatey chip frappe frappuccino… “That’s not the one with coffee, right?” This car also tends to pull over after leaving the drive thru line so she can Instagram a selfie with her drink, check in on Facebook, and figure out some sort of way to get the 17-year-old barista’s attention.

The “I’m in a Rush” Car

Either the driver is late for work or is just an asshole; this one is a super fun car to be in front of. After seeing the huffing and puffing followed by a “throw my hands up in the air” motion, the best thing to do is to have a little cynical fun. My suggestion is to take your sweet time finding your money. Asking the employees to throw out your Starbucks cup from the day before, and maybe drop something in between the window and your car. Not only will you receive the nastiest looks through your rearview mirror, but you may actually get a honk when you are next to them at a red light. Usually the honk happens once the light turns green. You know that tough guy isn’t coming out for a fight.

The Damn Mess

Oh, girl. I’ve been there. I have so been there. This is the car that is making the barista wait with the drive thru window open while its 15 degrees outside. I’m not entirely sure who I feel worse for: the barista who is so ridiculously cold, or the girl who can’t find her debit card, who doesn’t have a free cup holder, and drops her order all over herself and down the side of her car. I think it’s a tie.

The “I’m Getting These For Friends” Car

We’ve all been there; you’re waiting in line patiently and roll down your window for some fresh air. The sounds of the parking lot and the girl in front of you ordering is all you can hear. “OK, SO I’m getting like 8 drinks. I need TWO of those things, like the holder things? Ok, cool. SO first one…omg shut up! I’m ordering! Uh, hello?! Ok, FIRST ONE: A VENTI ICED COFFEE, NO SUGAR, NO MILK, JUST WHIPPED CREAM. OK, SECOND ONE: A TALL HOT CARAMEL LATTE WITH NO MILK.” So, that goes on for about 15 minutes, with interruptions from her friend who literally can’t even right now. There should be an express line, for people who don’t ask for stupid drinks at Starbucks.

In conclusion, if you fall into one of these categories, stay home. Or better yet, figure your life out before you get to the drive thru. The rest of the world will thank you.

xoxo -Kate

A PSA To All “Basic” Shaming Citizens

Yes you.. we’re all talking about you. The ones who are too “complex” to like pumpkin spice lattes or pictures of leaves. Ugh, us basics hate you…but for the right reasons. See, for us, we feel like we get hated on…for liking what we like. We don’t envy you at all. Why? Because it’s hard as hell to figure out something else to like that isn’t what everyone has dubbed, “basic.”

The other day, I was called basic at least 4 different times by four different people. Stop shaming me for liking what makes me happy!

In my 24 years on this earth, I have met my fair share of a certain type of woman. A “don’t give into girly, ridiculous, common people things!” type of woman. This frustrates me. Frustrates me to the point of wanted to make complex shaming a thing. Why put the extra effort into finding things to like that makes it hard for me to buy you a gift? For my basic friends? Starbies gift cards for all! As for my complex friends, I’ll have to go to a music store and find sheet music for an oboe, because that’s what you decided to take up as an instrument to be “different.”

I have found that the complex girls are the ones that I have to watch out for. The basic ones? I know what they’re about. The complex girls of the world hate on me for almost being…dare I say it…stupid. Like I’m not smart enough to like uncommon things. And to you I say WELCOME. Because you are all partaking in the biggest part of being basic…and that is…hating. So welcome ladies and gents! We can’t wait to take our first Starbucks trip with you! 🙂